Often when we think of care giving, we think of one person doing the giving and the “patient” doing all of the taking. Actually this is not healthy for either people. The one who is doing all of the giving feels overwhelmed and unappreciated. The person being cared for feels guilty for putting their spouse or child through the experience. They feel the loss of their independence and self-esteem. There is a better way.

CARE GIVER, CARE PARTNER, CARE SHARER.

Whether you are caring for a parent, a spouse or a friend, there are new ways to describe yourself. These new terms can help you to see, that in reality one person does not give while the other takes. Together you are a team, each playing your role. In the book titled Learning To Speak Alzheimer’s, the author Ms. Koenig Coste says, “We are care partners together seeking creative solutions to the challenges we face.” See how many creative solutions you can discover, and I guarantee you will find beautiful gifts in the experience.  “As a Care Partner I am the love of God in action.”

Doctors today are very, very busy people. They have told me that they have exactly 30 minutes for the first patient visit, and just 15minutes for continuing visits. That is really tough on both you and the doctor, who desires to be informed and do a great job.

We can help by putting down on paper our lists and questions that we need answered. I call this the Doctors Letter. Include a list of any serious changes you have noticed in the patient between visits. Put it all on paper and then fax it to the doctors office in advance of the visit. If you can’t get to a fax, have it typed up and hand it to the nurse before you see the doctor.

With this detailed information they know much more about the patient.  They are able to give you answers directly in the short amount of time that they do have. During your visit you can just bring up one or two items you really need addressed that day.

Another favor doctors have asked me to pass along has to do with relaying information to families and caregivers. A busy doctor would prefer to communicate directly with just the patients primary caregiver. Please don’t have every sibling demanding to be called and kept up to date just because the family is not speaking to each other. Instead, send out the doctors letter to every adult who desires to be informed.  Then follow up after the appointment with any changes the doctor has suggested. Communitcation between patient, caregiver, doctors and their family will be greatly enhanced with this one easy tool.

Security is essential to keep us safe while traveling. When traveling with a loved one whose health is compromised it‘s even more difficult and can feel like hell. As we continue to hear on the nightly news, it is going to get more challenging.

One tool I’ve used is special business cards that I created. One card addresses the patients illness and the other card has all the emergency phone information.The illness card was not my idea, I actually got it from the Alzheimer’s Association. The card I carry states, “Please be patient my loved one has Alzheimer’s and cannot always answer your questions or follow your orders.” I printed it in bold black lettering on a yellow card stock. I carry many with me when I travel. When I’m taking off my shoes, putting bags up, etc. I make sure one of the agents sees this card. They have been very nice to help me watch him when I either move through the scanner first and/or he goes first. I never did really find a “best” way to do all of that! You can make these cards up for any illness, or for a nervous child as well. They are great to hand to a waitress if they seem to be in a rush or appear impatient with a patient. I suggest you use these discreetly please, so as not to embarrass your loved one.

The second card is the information card with Bob’s name on it. It lists my cell and home phone and all of the names and numbers of my adult children in all parts of the country. That way it is good wherever we might travel. I print these out on Avery type business card labels. Or you could take them to a office supply store for printing. I laminate them and leave them in every single pant or coat pocket that he might wear and in any wallet he might carry. They go through the wash beautifully! I feel secure knowing that if he ever strayed they could find me.

“Blessed are the flexible, for they shall not be bent out of shape.”

Michael McGriffy MD, www.inspirelist.com

If you think you must surrender your present joy for the one you are caring for, I say,”don’t do it!” The saddest stories I hear, are from people who have waited for tomorrow to live fully today.

 While reading a book by Maxwell Maltz, I found this paragraph that said, “You could try to live each day as if it’s your last. If you image this to be true, you will shed minor irritations that ordinarily plague you. You will be surprised what a calming effect this thought can bring. You will stop worrying about the many little things that added up, destroying happiness. For your last day on earth, why worry about trivia?”

Then he gives us some tips: live each day to the fullest (Joy’s tip, remembering wonderful memories from the past). Set goals for every day (Joy’s tip, have a plan for the day that include you). Tell yourself that you have the right to be happy (Joy’s tip, do something just for yourself even if it’s a small thing). Set aside time for yourself each day (Joy’s tip, sit on your porch and day dream about a special vacation spot, remember eyes closed!). Accept yourself as you are (Joy’s tip, we all get tired and think we can’t do it…We can! So we are not perfect – so what!)

  Here are some tips especially for you. Get a shave in a barber shop where they use hot towels and offer a scalp massage. Have friends over for poker or pool. Find a group of women who can be with your wife or loved one on your night out. Have these women visit another day while you get in a round of golf. Learn something new that has nothing to do with the illness. Become an expert in astronomy or become a wine specialist. Find or start a Men’s Support Group through your church, synagogue or Council on Aging. Be sure and check out the book Coach Broyles’ Playbook for Alzheimer’s Caregivers “Tips and Strategies for all stages” www.alzheimersplaybook.com Especially good for male caregivers. Although it is written for Alzheimer’s it applies equally well to any illness.

While reading an article by Eugene D. Holden with this title, I thought, what a message for caregivers and their loved one!  We frequently find ourselves in this predicament.    One or the other of us is angry or crying.  We both want to uplift the other.  Elbert Hubbard said, “If I can uplift or inspire, let it be by example, inference, and suggestion.” 

To move from one to the other, we need to choose to change!  Nothing changes if nothing changes.  We need to take action steps to make our upside down world better. 

Check out the new booklet – Self Care for Caregivers: 161 Tips to Make Your Life Easier,  by going to http://www.JoyGolliver .com.  Choose any tip that makes sense to you and take ACTION. 

In caring, Joy

“The Giver is always giving, and yet it needs a receiver to complete its circuit of circulation.  Are you a receiver?  We must learn to give and receive.”  That statement is by Lloyd Tupper, OurAbundantLife.com.

When you are a caregtiver it seems like you are always giving, and giving, and giving.  And you make the ill person take, and take, and take.  Neither feels good about what is happening, and some of us get downright angry about it.  Receivers who are ill feel guilty for having to be taken care of.  They want to help out in some way.  Caregivers need the chance to be on the receiving end once in a while. 

Two things need to take place.  One: agree that you are Care Partners in this experience.  You are on the journey together and each has a role to play. Two: Caregivers need to ASK for help and ACCEPT help from friends and family because they want to be in the giving role and you need to receive their help.  How do you ask?  Be specific about what you want.  “Can you take the car and have it washed and gassed up?”  Can you stay with Jim while I run to the grocery?  I will be gone 2 hours max.”  Both of you will receive the JOY of being givers and receivers.  Try it, it works!

Touch of JOY

Anne Lamott has written a book, “Traveling Mercies.”  In it she says that her most popular prayers are, “Help me, help me, help me” and “”Thank you,  thank you, thank you.”  Sounds like the caregivers prayer.

She also has a wonderful quote:  “All you can do is show up for someone in crisis.  Your there-ness … can be life giving, because often everyone else is in hiding.” 

Ain’t it the truth.  If you are a friend of a caregiver …. SHOW UP, the Caregiver already has!

Touch of JOY

Coming home from a vacation, I was reminded for the zillionth time, “If you are traveling with small children, put on your oxygen mask first before assisting others.”  This is exactly the message I want all Caregivers to hear loud and clear.  Take care of yourself first!  You must remain strong and healthy in order to take care of another person.  Put on your own oxygen mask by remembering that YOU are the most important person in the experience.  Self Care if your top priority.  Check out the book, Put On Your Oxygen Mask by Leesa Gibbons.

In caring, Joy